Hello everyone!
I’ve recently found this blog post in my drafts that I wrote in the summer of 2019 – so quite a while ago. Clearly I’m not so consistent with the whole blogging thing, but I really want to get back into it!
Over the past few years, I’ve grown to understand that there is a common misconception when it comes to social anxiety as not many people know what it is. So today I am going to be discussing everything (well, mostly everything) there is to know about social anxiety.
*Disclaimer*. Obviously I am not a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist etc., so everything I have said in this post may not be scientifically or psychologically accurate. However, everything said has come from experience of living with social anxiety for most of my life. Either way, I hope this helps someone in some way!
So, it makes sense to start by answering the question: what is social anxiety?
In simple terms, social anxiety is when you have an intense fear about specific social situations because you are paranoid that you may feel judged or humiliated or something may happen to you. This then causes you to avoid these anxiety-provoking situations completely. It ends up taking control over how you act day-to-day, to the extent where you can’t even leave the house by yourself without fear of judgement.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “Isn’t social anxiety just being shy in social situations?” Believe me, I wish it was just being shy! Social anxiety is so much more than that; it’s an actual anxiety disorder.
According to the NHS website, the symptoms of social anxiety are:
- Dread everyday activities, such as meeting strangers, starting conversations, speaking on the phone, working or shopping
- Avoid or worry a lot about social activities, such as group conversations, eating with company and parties
- Always worry about doing something you think is embarrassing
- Find it difficult to do things when others are watching – you may feel like you’re being watched and judged all the time
- Fear criticism, avoid eye contact or have low self-esteem
- Often have symptoms such as feeling sick, sweating, trembling or a pounding heartbeat
- Have panic attacks, where you have an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, usually only for a few minutes
Anyone who knows me well is probably reading this list and thinking, “Wow – it’s as if someone wrote that list about Hannah!” I can honestly say I experience every single symptom on this list. I never make phone calls, I never speak to strangers (especially when people are trying to sell you something on the street – that is a massive no!), I always avoid eye contact when I’m having a conversation with someone I don’t know very well, and I constantly worry about upcoming events to the point where I end up cancelling them because I’ve made myself anxious about it.
For me, this all started way back when I was in primary school. I barely said a word at school. I was very introverted and kept myself to myself. Sure, I had lots of friends and we played games together everyday. But as soon as it came to lesson time, I was practically mute. I never raised my hand in class and I never answered a question. I would only speak to the person next to me if I knew them well enough or they were one of my close friends.
I’ve had quite a few people say to me that I’m just really introverted and that’s why I didn’t like to speak in class. This is a big misconception about social anxiety. So many people get it mistaken for introversion, but you can be the most extraverted extravert in the world and still suffer from social anxiety. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, social anxiety can happen to anyone!
This kind of behaviour continued with me and got much worse throughout secondary school. Again, I only really spoke to my friends at school. I never raised my hand, I froze when I was ever asked a question, and I never went to the teacher after class if I needed help (which was a real pain because I needed help with work a lot of the time!). I will always remember going to parent’s evening and my teachers saying to my parents, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard Hannah speak?” My parents couldn’t believe their ears, as I’m really loud and sing a lot at home!
And of course, when you get to your teenage years you want to start going out with your friends and be a bit more independent. Except I didn’t become independent at all. Yes, I went to the cinema with my friends and all the usual teenage stuff, but I never left the house by myself. Whenever I was out with my friends, I didn’t do any of the same things that they did. I remember one particular time when we were in a shopping centre and some of my friends wanted to walk down the upward escalator (aka go the wrong way). They kept encouraging me to join them but I completely freaked out. I started shaking, I got really panicky, and my legs turned to jelly. I was begging them to stop because ‘people were looking at us’ and ‘judging us’. Obviously no one was looking at us, but every inch of my body was telling me that they were. I know my friends are going to read this and think, “When on earth did this happen?!”, because it was such an insignificant event for them. But to me, this has haunted me for over 7 years!
I also went through a phase at school where I didn’t eat anything in front of people, all because I felt like everyone was watching how I eat and would make fun of me. My mum would always make me a sandwich for school but I’d never eat it. I used to throw it in the bin at lunch time and lie to her and tell her I ate it (sorry mum if you’re reading this and didn’t know…). One day my friends picked up on it and made me get my lunch out and eat it. I used to put my food on my lap so it was under the table and I’d watch for when no one was looking so I could sneak a bite out of my sandwich. All until one day when my friend grabbed my lunch and placed it on the table. She made me look around the room to see that no one was watching me and that I was being silly, and I ate my sandwich. Luckily I’ve got out of this habit now thanks to her! (Thanks Kate, I owe you one!)
Things started to get worse as soon as I reached sixth form. It was time to start going to parties and having drinks in pubs. Growing up I was always so excited to start doing these fun adult things as I’d watched my older brother and sister do it. Except, when I eventually got to that age, I couldn’t think of anything worse than to go to a pub and get a drink.
Finally the day came where me and my friends went to our local Spoons just for a chilled drink on a Friday night. I made my friend come to my house beforehand and walk with me to the pub (which was literally a 2 minute walk from my house). We opened the doors and walked through this dark room filled with middle-aged men. All I can remember is feeling like the room was spinning; my vision went blurry, my legs turned to jelly, and my hands were sweaty. Eventually we found a table, and soon it was time to go up to the bar to order a drink. All my friends were ready to go and I just froze. I was petrified to go up and speak to a complete stranger who thought I was still 12 years old and order a cider. Of course, as most people with social anxiety do in this type of situation, I asked my friend to order for me. This is still something I make whoever I’m with do, whether it be in a coffee shop or in McDonald’s!
Don’t worry though, I’m not this bad anymore! At least I’d like to think I’m not. I can now go into a Starbucks and order a coffee for myself and even a friend! But that’s not to say that I don’t suffer from social anxiety anymore. While I’m queuing up to order, in my head I’m constantly going over what I’m going to say to the barista so I don’t mess it up and embarrass myself. It’s so much worse if the queue is really long as it gives my brain more time to overthink about messing up my words.
There are still so many places I avoid going to because of my social anxiety. In fact, I very rarely leave my house by myself unless I have an appointment or I’ve arranged to meet a friend or something. Yep, that’s right. I’m scared to walk down the road by myself to get a loaf of bread. So many times my boyfriend’s dad has asked me if I wouldn’t mind popping to the shop to grab some milk and other bits for dinner and I’ve completely freaked out about it. I’d spend all day worrying and making myself feel physically sick. I would eventually text my boyfriend to ask if we could quickly go when he got back from work and before his dad got home so he wouldn’t know I didn’t do it. To this day, I’m unsure whether he knows I didn’t go by myself – oops!
So, where does this leave me? Well… I’m now 23 years old and I’m still petrified to walk out of my front door alone. I avoid certain social situations like the plague and then get upset about why I never do anything with my life. Social anxiety is horrible. It’s stopped me from doing so many things that normal people my age do.
I wish I could end this post with a motivational message about how I’ve turned my life around and I can now go shopping by myself or something, but unfortunately I can’t. I’m still dealing with social anxiety on a daily basis and I really don’t know what to do about it. So if you have any tips on how to overcome it, please leave me a comment and let me know!
I hope that by explaining what my social anxiety is like, it has given you some sort of insight into what it’s like to have it. If you know someone in your life that acts in the same way as me, please be kind to them. Don’t force them to do something that they’re uncomfortable with – even if it is just going up to order a coffee. If a friend can’t make it to an event, don’t get angry at them! Just respect the fact that they even considered going!
PS: I’m guessing you’re all aware of the global pandemic we are all currently faced with at the moment? You are? Brilliant – I don’t have to speak about it then! What I will quickly say, though, is that this pandemic has dropped an extra heavy weight on the already over-bearing scales that is my mental health. The whole ‘stay at home’ thing is great because we’re protecting the NHS and hopefully saving lives… but it doesn’t particularly help someone who has social anxiety. As you have read through this post already, I already don’t like leaving my house… so being told by the government that I MUST stay at home is reinforcing the unhealthy behaviour and coping mechanisms of my social anxiety. I currently work in a hospital so I’m having to go into work everyday still, which I’m so grateful for! I’m still able to get that social interaction with my work friends and patients – if I didn’t get this, who knows what my social anxiety would be like by the end of this lockdown! I’ve already lost count as to what week we are on in the lockdown, but I hope that it doesn’t go on for much longer – for the sake of everybody’s mental health!
If you’re struggling with your mental health during this pandemic, please don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it! Whether it’s your friend, family member, work colleague, or Samaritans… it’s always better to talk than suffer in silence. We will all get through this together!
As always, if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me! I’m more than happy to help in any way that I can.
Thank you so much for reading!
Hannah x
Call Samaritans for free on 116 123 or visit their website: http://www.samaritans.org for more ways to get in touch.
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